I have had the same range of emotions that everyone has experienced at some point in the last several months: disbelief, sadness, anger, confusion and other emotions that I have yet to acknowledge or name. I call this time the “current situation” because it is more than just Covid-19 or social distancing. Plus, I am worn out talking about those two things. Yes, it has been nice to slow down more. My husband and I moved from Atlanta to slow down, so I feel like I was already at a manageable pace most of the time but this is a bigger pause. Yes, I have enjoyed time with my kids all under one roof for longer than normal. I have shared many joyful moments and learned a lot about each of them and myself. I am appreciative of my job and paycheck and my health. But I am still pissed.
I had a break down yesterday. Just sobbing and frustrated. I called a friend to help me calm and sort it out. I expressed sadness and anger about many things but mostly confusion. I told her that I could see both sides to everything: wear a mask, don’t wear a mask; re-open the country, stay inside more; close the beach, open the beach; stay away from everyone, socialize with close friends but safely; this is the president’s fault, no it’s not he did the best he could; the virus is from bats, no it’s man made. I mean what the fuck. What is going on!
She reminded me that all is in chaos right now and that I am the most frustrated at not knowing the truth. I am a truth seeker and love to gather information but I also see both sides often. I have always attributed that to some sort of weakness. I am supposed to have an opinion, right. It turns out that I function best from a neutral place. And right now I can and should observe, listen and process.
I feel that something just isn’t right. I don’t know what to believe from one minute to the next but I was reminded by my good friend that I have my intuition. My intuition tells me when to stop reading or watching something. My intuition tells me when I have had enough or when something isn’t healthy for me. Do I always listen, nope. I get caught up in distractions, fear, worry, exhaustion, or I am simply not paying attention. But when I do, I either feel “off” , I physically don’t feel well, or I am irritable.
And I have been thinking a lot lately about how I help my children, particularly in this time. I am trying to take care of myself (eating well, running, writing and some red wine drinking) and also being age appropriately honest with them. I am encouraging them to take care of themselves and talk honestly with us, friends, grandparents, or teachers when they need support. I also had conversation with them today about managing information they read on social media, youtube, TV, etc. We can’t filter everything all the time, just like we can’t be with them all the time. So, I told them to critically read whatever comes across their screen and pay attention. And most importantly to decide what they believe in for themselves so that what they are seeing doesn’t tell them what to believe.
The current situation is one of those moments that are happening FOR us. Now is that time to decide what we believe and to be honest. None of us asked for a world pandemic but it happened. And whatever needs to come from this must be big and important.