Tag: life lesson

Life Happens FOR You not TO You

Have you heard this before? It is the new statement of choice for myself, my husband and kids when life happens. There seems have been so many events that have occured lately that appear troublesome. They are all temporary but at the time do not feel that way. And some are not expected and some are a fullfillment of exactly what was feared. In the end, it doesn’t matter. The events are just events. Only we assign the meaning to them. When it is through the lens of “Why did this happen TO me?” , then the meaning is tainted in victimhood. We lose any power that we have over learning from the event, transforming the event, or letting it be.

When we choose to believe that something happens FOR us, then that is something we can work with. I practiced and did everything the coach told me to do, but I still didn’t get in the game. I nailed the interview but didn’t get the job. My boyfriend broke up with me or my husband wants a divorce. I just found out that I have a serious illness even though I eat well and take care of myself. These are all examples of really hard situations to face. Asking what is in it FOR us takes the sting out of it. Sometimes the answer is apparent and sometimes it takes a long time for us to be ready to see the value/purpose or lesson. Sometimes it simply eases the resistance towards what is happening.

When my business was failing, I couldn’t see why it was happening TO me. I thought I had done all of my research on how to run a private practice. I chose good minded business partners. I worked my tail off. I built a practice that held meaning and served others well. But I wasn’t making any money. I attributed it to my faults, failures and inability to be a good business woman. How very victim-y of me. In hind sight, I gained the most valuable tools to bring to my next life adventure and for parenting. Why did it have to be a lesson through near financial failure. Not sure. But it sure did get my attention! money can do that.

In any case, I am committed to reminding myself that events happen FOR me. I like the feeling it gives me to remember that. Whether I am ready for the lesson is another story but at least I am trying. Sometimes the best gifts are ones we never asked for or ones we never thought we would want.

That time in my life ….

I haven’t written in 5 months, since my first post… why? not inspired? scared? busy? all of the above….I have at least a dozen pieces of paper with notes on them with topic ideas I but I didn’t follow through with any of them. I decided to start with the most vulnerable in time of my life.

In 2008 I opened a practice with 2 other women that provided therapy services for children with special needs. It was amazing and one of the best things I have ever accomplished. And the next best thing I did was move and sell it in 2014. In the end, I was the most unhappy I had ever been.

I was 34 years old with 2 kids when we opened. I was an establish PT in the Atlanta area and had always dreamed of having my own business. I thought it would happen later in life; however, I met 2 great women and we collaborated on a mission to open this clinic. It was exciting.

We were highly successful. We built a practice quickly and provided services under a philosophy that I supported. My part of the business grew rapidly and I eventually hired 3-4 physical therapist and partnered with specialists that provided important skills. My list could go on about the unique services we provided.

I had accomplished many of the goals that I had set for myself in life: career, marriage, children, life in general…. but I wasn’t making any money and I wasn’t happy. I was making just enough to live on by the grace of God and struggling to do that. I was anxious, scared, angry, and depressed. I was failing my family miserably. I felt less than my partners.

I was always worried that I would bankrupt my family and disappoint everyone I loved. The self talk was awful: you should have never thought you could manage a business, how stupid of you to think this could work, your model sucks, you are a terrible book keeper…. It was a daily pity party for at least a year. I separated myself from my partners, I was a short tempered mother, an absent wife, and a stressed out boss. I was filled with shame. It spilled over into everything.

And I eventually trusted only 1-2 people with what I considered to be my dirty secret about how broke my company was and what a failure I was. My husband was not one of them, nor were my business partners. I tried to fix it alone and handled all the struggle alone. I was miserable and I continued to lose money.

However, the 2 people that I trusted, helped save me. And it became a time in my life that is the most valuable lesson of my life. Those 2 people, over the course of 1 year, helped me learn that failure is important and not bad. And that I was not an awful person. That I had a voice and to truly examine what I really wanted.

I didn’t want the company anymore. That was hard for me to swallow, but also a relief. I learned that I wasn’t as financially stupid as I thought. I had circumstances that I wasn’t attending to because I was blinded by shame. I also, wanted a different set-up. But in living this business, I learned many skills that prepared me for my next adventure. I sold my company and learned more about myself after the sale than before. I was able to learn because by the time I sold the company I had spent a year laying important ground work about how I wanted to show up in life. I will post about that another day.

This post is about how achieving goals doesn’t always look like the success you imagined. And about how handling everything alone because of embarrassment , shame and self-loathing is detrimental. And at the same time, how perceived failure can be the greatest lesson of life. Selling the company gave me time to reflect on things I had missed and gave myself permission to fail and learn. And it gave me clarity about who I want to be.

Would I own the same business again.. no way in hell. Do I regret doing it? absolutely not. I am smarter, stronger, and happier since I experienced shame and learned how to manage it.

Will this happen again in my life.? The odds are high, but I know the signs and have tools to manage it. And I know the exhilaration on the other side is amazing. I achieved more goals since the sale and moving. I make the salary I dreamed of and I live on the beach… nice!

Look for a post in the near future about how the move and changing from shame to pure joy!