I miss everything about being a high school and college athlete. I miss the sport of volleyball. I miss being on a team and working our asses off for a common goal. I miss pushing myself farther each time I practiced or played. I wanted to be the best. I wanted to win. There are few things more satisfying than a great kill or dig. The adrenaline during a long rally and the excitement after winning the point is intoxicating, even now as I think about it. I loved everything about volleyball and would have played forever. Except for the time I almost quit in college.
The coach that recruited me left after my freshman year. I loved playing for her and it was one of the reasons I chose the college I attended. She was replaced by a man I thought was going to up our game and take us to the next level. However, it became clear after 1 season, that he was not as he presented himself. He was snide, manipulative, and disrespectful of women. He did not like me and it was obvious. He dismissed me when other coaches complimented me. At the time, I was never sure why. I certainly tried to impress him. However, eventually I gave up the hustle and, in hind-sight, I am sure he knew I was not fond of him.
I did not enjoy playing volleyball for him. My junior year I seriously considered quitting. I had written a letter and discussed the decision with my parents. But I never turned in the letter. I stayed for me, for my teammates and for the love of the game that I only had one more year to play competitively. If I had left the team, I would have regretted that choice the rest of my life. I put my big girl pants on and made the best of my senior year.
It wasn’t perfect. I was the team captain and had to juggle my real feelings for the coach with leading the team. I didn’t always keep my mouth shut about him to the team. I was a little rebellious towards him. I had to apologize sometimes. But I finished the best I could and I savored playing every game. It was my choice to react in a way that was the best for me and my team. I didn’t always choose well. Sometimes I was angry at him for entire practices. But it typically did not serve me well. And it broke my spirit when he didn’t give me the most valuable player as a senior, but I probably didn’t behave like the most valuable player…
I still do not have any warm feelings for him but in my age I have a little different perspective. I learned that not everyone will like me no matter how much I try. I learned that I have to manage relationships in spite of not liking someone. I learned to lead through adversity. I learned that I am in charge of how I react. I learned that when I let my feelings for him get in the way, I played terrible. I learned that I needed to stop playing for his approval and play because it felt good to do my best. I realized that I didn’t know what was going on with him. Actually, I never considered it back then. We never know what someone else is dealing with.
Have I really learned all of these lessons?? Some days:) Learning is not the same as mastering. Some days, I am re-learning them all over. I wish I could re-learn them playing ball. But maybe, who knows, maybe one day I will be on the other side and master some of those lessons through coaching ball.