I haven’t written in 5 months, since my first post… why? not inspired? scared? busy? all of the above….I have at least a dozen pieces of paper with notes on them with topic ideas I but I didn’t follow through with any of them. I decided to start with the most vulnerable in time of my life.
In 2008 I opened a practice with 2 other women that provided therapy services for children with special needs. It was amazing and one of the best things I have ever accomplished. And the next best thing I did was move and sell it in 2014. In the end, I was the most unhappy I had ever been.
I was 34 years old with 2 kids when we opened. I was an establish PT in the Atlanta area and had always dreamed of having my own business. I thought it would happen later in life; however, I met 2 great women and we collaborated on a mission to open this clinic. It was exciting.
We were highly successful. We built a practice quickly and provided services under a philosophy that I supported. My part of the business grew rapidly and I eventually hired 3-4 physical therapist and partnered with specialists that provided important skills. My list could go on about the unique services we provided.
I had accomplished many of the goals that I had set for myself in life: career, marriage, children, life in general…. but I wasn’t making any money and I wasn’t happy. I was making just enough to live on by the grace of God and struggling to do that. I was anxious, scared, angry, and depressed. I was failing my family miserably. I felt less than my partners.
I was always worried that I would bankrupt my family and disappoint everyone I loved. The self talk was awful: you should have never thought you could manage a business, how stupid of you to think this could work, your model sucks, you are a terrible book keeper…. It was a daily pity party for at least a year. I separated myself from my partners, I was a short tempered mother, an absent wife, and a stressed out boss. I was filled with shame. It spilled over into everything.
And I eventually trusted only 1-2 people with what I considered to be my dirty secret about how broke my company was and what a failure I was. My husband was not one of them, nor were my business partners. I tried to fix it alone and handled all the struggle alone. I was miserable and I continued to lose money.
However, the 2 people that I trusted, helped save me. And it became a time in my life that is the most valuable lesson of my life. Those 2 people, over the course of 1 year, helped me learn that failure is important and not bad. And that I was not an awful person. That I had a voice and to truly examine what I really wanted.
I didn’t want the company anymore. That was hard for me to swallow, but also a relief. I learned that I wasn’t as financially stupid as I thought. I had circumstances that I wasn’t attending to because I was blinded by shame. I also, wanted a different set-up. But in living this business, I learned many skills that prepared me for my next adventure. I sold my company and learned more about myself after the sale than before. I was able to learn because by the time I sold the company I had spent a year laying important ground work about how I wanted to show up in life. I will post about that another day.
This post is about how achieving goals doesn’t always look like the success you imagined. And about how handling everything alone because of embarrassment , shame and self-loathing is detrimental. And at the same time, how perceived failure can be the greatest lesson of life. Selling the company gave me time to reflect on things I had missed and gave myself permission to fail and learn. And it gave me clarity about who I want to be.
Would I own the same business again.. no way in hell. Do I regret doing it? absolutely not. I am smarter, stronger, and happier since I experienced shame and learned how to manage it.
Will this happen again in my life.? The odds are high, but I know the signs and have tools to manage it. And I know the exhilaration on the other side is amazing. I achieved more goals since the sale and moving. I make the salary I dreamed of and I live on the beach… nice!
Look for a post in the near future about how the move and changing from shame to pure joy!