Leadership

It’s easy to lead when times are good, things are going as planned, and you have the best people on your team. But what about when the shit hits the fan? What about when things so sideways? What if you have less than ideal skill level? bad attitudes? Ahhh, now that is when it is a leader’s time to shine and time to grow. When you have to manage with odds stacked against you, when your back is against the wall, when things are hard. Leadership requires a different set of skills.

Leaders decide who they are and no matter the circumstance, they lean on their values to guide them through. If they value hard work, they work hard even when others are not. If communication is a value/strength then they use communication as their super power, especially when others are not communicating. Leaders are also very savvy and can draw out more from people and situations than expected.

Leaders look at a situation from several perspectives. Leaders encourage problem solving. Leaders listen to others for perspective and problem solving. Leaders’ words and actions have the ability to resonate with the best parts of people and overcome fears and insecurities.

When everything is going well, leadership has actually already taken place. Leadership is the set-up for ease, good times, and success. Leadership happens in between, when things are messy and unclear. And in the aftermath, people have grown and leaders have been made.

I can do hard things

As a physical therapist, one of the more popular utterances by the older kids that I see is that “but it’s hard”. My standard responses are one of 3 comments:

“Good, that means I am doing my job”

“If (said activity) was easy, you wouldn’t be here working with me”

But my favorite is “Yep, and you can do hard things!”

I find it interesting that the implication when” it is hard “is expressed is that (said activity) should be stopped immediately and that I am ridiculous to expect otherwise. Very rarely, if ever, does the activity stop. The kids need to know what they are capable of, not what they think they are capable of.

I say the same thing to my own children and myself all the time. A task, skill, homework, sport, etc …SHOULD have hard moments. This is when great problem solving is developed and growth occurs. Hard things are perspective changers. I have witnessed countless children with cerebral palsy or other neurological disorders take their first steps even though it was the hardest thing they have ever done. I have witness my son learn to block the big guy across from him after getting laid out 10 times. I have witness my daughter gain 4 inches on her vertical jump after months of hard training early in the AM. I have witnessed my youngest son learn to really say he is sorry when it was hard for him out of embarrassment.

I have witness kids do things that I hoped they could do but honestly, I kinda thought it was a long shot! The end result in all of these moments is pride, satisfaction, growth, love of self and others, and joy. But it also comes with some self doubt, anger, tears, resistance, failure and disappointment in the process. That’s how it goes.

And as I am writing this, I am thinking about how hard parenting is. I get so frustrated and upset with myself because it is hard. I think I blame myself for how hard it is, thinking it wouldn’t be hard if I was better. But I guess that means I need to remember what I just wrote and look to the growth, change in perspective, joy, and love of self and others that parenting fosters, especially when it is hard.

So to my kids in therapy, my rug rats, and myself….

We can do hard things. And we should.

Joy in the Game

I have been hoping for months that the AAU National Volleyball tournament would happen. I wanted the show to go on for some light of hope in an unsettling time, for my daughter and her teammates, and for me. I realized that going to tournaments with her is a source of joy and connection for me. I get to connect with Lily and with parents of teammates that are my friends.

This last week allowed for light to shine in and growth to occur. Parents socialized and talked about life. The girls enjoyed each other’s company and being teenagers. Most of all, they competed together. They encouraged one another and played as a team. They worked towards a common goal with focus and passion. They learned to persevere. They had fun and enjoyed every moment.

The tournament was different for obvious reasons. The energy was different. Not bad, just different…less high strung. But it was completely satisfying, settling and therapeutic. The emails that were exchanged between coaches and parents after the tournament were positive, encouraging, appreciative, and the very definition of love and respect. I teared up reading every one of them. We lost half a season together but certainly made up for it in the end.

My hope for everyone during this time is that they find a soul satisfying activity that brings light and hope. Something that brings connection and peace. A reminder of what is important to them and brings joy.

As I write this, I remember that we saw a rainbow as we drove into Orlando where the tournament was held. I thought to myself that this is a great sign .. a sign of beautiful things to come.

The “Current Situation”

I have had the same range of emotions that everyone has experienced at some point in the last several months: disbelief, sadness, anger, confusion and other emotions that I have yet to acknowledge or name. I call this time the “current situation” because it is more than just Covid-19 or social distancing. Plus, I am worn out talking about those two things. Yes, it has been nice to slow down more. My husband and I moved from Atlanta to slow down, so I feel like I was already at a manageable pace most of the time but this is a bigger pause. Yes, I have enjoyed time with my kids all under one roof for longer than normal. I have shared many joyful moments and learned a lot about each of them and myself. I am appreciative of my job and paycheck and my health. But I am still pissed.

I had a break down yesterday. Just sobbing and frustrated. I called a friend to help me calm and sort it out. I expressed sadness and anger about many things but mostly confusion. I told her that I could see both sides to everything: wear a mask, don’t wear a mask; re-open the country, stay inside more; close the beach, open the beach; stay away from everyone, socialize with close friends but safely; this is the president’s fault, no it’s not he did the best he could; the virus is from bats, no it’s man made. I mean what the fuck. What is going on!

She reminded me that all is in chaos right now and that I am the most frustrated at not knowing the truth. I am a truth seeker and love to gather information but I also see both sides often. I have always attributed that to some sort of weakness. I am supposed to have an opinion, right. It turns out that I function best from a neutral place. And right now I can and should observe, listen and process.

I feel that something just isn’t right. I don’t know what to believe from one minute to the next but I was reminded by my good friend that I have my intuition. My intuition tells me when to stop reading or watching something. My intuition tells me when I have had enough or when something isn’t healthy for me. Do I always listen, nope. I get caught up in distractions, fear, worry, exhaustion, or I am simply not paying attention. But when I do, I either feel “off” , I physically don’t feel well, or I am irritable.

And I have been thinking a lot lately about how I help my children, particularly in this time. I am trying to take care of myself (eating well, running, writing and some red wine drinking) and also being age appropriately honest with them. I am encouraging them to take care of themselves and talk honestly with us, friends, grandparents, or teachers when they need support. I also had conversation with them today about managing information they read on social media, youtube, TV, etc. We can’t filter everything all the time, just like we can’t be with them all the time. So, I told them to critically read whatever comes across their screen and pay attention. And most importantly to decide what they believe in for themselves so that what they are seeing doesn’t tell them what to believe.

The current situation is one of those moments that are happening FOR us. Now is that time to decide what we believe and to be honest. None of us asked for a world pandemic but it happened. And whatever needs to come from this must be big and important.

Human Connection

The current situation we are in of physically being separated has pushed me back into writing in my blog. I have written topics, blurbs and ideas on several pieces of random paper. They are in my car, purse, night stand and my journal. One day some or all of those ideas will make it to the blog. But today what is on my mind is human connection… real connection.

The part I enjoy most about my profession is connection. I spend a lot of time connecting with parents, caregivers, and children. I do this through eye contact, listening, putting out a certain energy and physical touch. We have temporarily lost this and so I am feeling disconnected. I have an aching emptiness as I miss the families and children with whom I have built a relationship. In an effort to safely connect, we will be doing telehealth, but providing physical therapy via screen feels like a shell of what I do. But maybe it can be a new type of connection that deepens our relationship.

As for my family, the connection is growing. However, the path has changed from spending time at the beach, playing sports, and managing the routine of the day (school, bedtime, projects). The path now is more focused with the comfort of our activities removed. It is about really listening to eachother, managing emotions, learning boundries, vulnerabilities and respect, and quite honestly, sometimes it is painful: short tempers, misunderstandings, more exposure to each person’s personality, sadness that makes everyone uncomfortable, sensitivities, arguments. There is beauty too: siblings loving on each other, stories told, old memories shared, laughter, and love.

I have also observed that computers, phones, ipads, gaming devices have also been double- sided. They have been a potential way to connect but in some aspects we have been on them more with less intent. When there is school, sports, music lessons, etc. there was less time to fill with electronics and screens. Now, it has become a primary way to “connect,” but I don’t feel connected. Maybe this is where true connection can start, in the absence of it. Why don’t I feel connected?

I love Brene Brown’s work. I have learned that true connection is intertwined with vulnerability and courage. She describes connection as “the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgement; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.” This statement implies that first I must see MYSELF, listen to MYSELF, and value MYSELF, and that I do this free of judgement. I connect the best when I honor these aspects for myself. I haven’t been doing this, which means, I probably haven’t been doing this for others.

The current circumstances have shown this to me. I have been lost in fear, confusion, sadness, mistrust, and anger. These feelings are not positive, feel good, or full of sunshine, so I have not really acknowledged them or asked for help. What I have done is dismiss them and say that everyone feels this way, “learn to deal with it,” so it has come out sideways. For example, in the form of a fight with my husband, over Easter baskets. It was stupid and I feel bad, but as I think about it now, it helped me move forward. Really, it provided a platform for me to learn about connection. It reminded me to stop playing the part of joy for a bit and learn that sadness, anxiety and anger have value. (You know, like the movie Inside Out). I needed a reminder.

Real human connection is about feelings. It is about sharing feelings of joy, disappointment, wonder, sadness, satisfaction, anger and affection, all of it. Because when we think about it, every time we tell a story, look for advice, share our opinion, the connection comes from an understanding. That sound of someone’s voice, the look in their eye, the body language, the energy that says “oh yeah, I get you” or “I hear ya sister.” I am going to go watch Inside Out now and read some more Brene Brown as I reconnect with all sorts of things during this pandemic that has taken away how I really want to connect. I will also go hug the shit out of my kids and husband, and the best place to learn real connection is with family.

Life Happens FOR You not TO You

Have you heard this before? It is the new statement of choice for myself, my husband and kids when life happens. There seems have been so many events that have occured lately that appear troublesome. They are all temporary but at the time do not feel that way. And some are not expected and some are a fullfillment of exactly what was feared. In the end, it doesn’t matter. The events are just events. Only we assign the meaning to them. When it is through the lens of “Why did this happen TO me?” , then the meaning is tainted in victimhood. We lose any power that we have over learning from the event, transforming the event, or letting it be.

When we choose to believe that something happens FOR us, then that is something we can work with. I practiced and did everything the coach told me to do, but I still didn’t get in the game. I nailed the interview but didn’t get the job. My boyfriend broke up with me or my husband wants a divorce. I just found out that I have a serious illness even though I eat well and take care of myself. These are all examples of really hard situations to face. Asking what is in it FOR us takes the sting out of it. Sometimes the answer is apparent and sometimes it takes a long time for us to be ready to see the value/purpose or lesson. Sometimes it simply eases the resistance towards what is happening.

When my business was failing, I couldn’t see why it was happening TO me. I thought I had done all of my research on how to run a private practice. I chose good minded business partners. I worked my tail off. I built a practice that held meaning and served others well. But I wasn’t making any money. I attributed it to my faults, failures and inability to be a good business woman. How very victim-y of me. In hind sight, I gained the most valuable tools to bring to my next life adventure and for parenting. Why did it have to be a lesson through near financial failure. Not sure. But it sure did get my attention! money can do that.

In any case, I am committed to reminding myself that events happen FOR me. I like the feeling it gives me to remember that. Whether I am ready for the lesson is another story but at least I am trying. Sometimes the best gifts are ones we never asked for or ones we never thought we would want.

My daughter is 16

Tomorrow my oldest turns 16. I am excited for her. I feel some heart tugs remembering the chunky infant, curly haired toddler, sweet young girl and now grown young lady that grew up in what feels like a 1 sec snap shot video of the last 16years. But I am enjoying this phase of her life.

I am reviewing the last 16 years in my mind with memories of trying to get her to sleep, dropping her off at kindergarten, helping her with homework, talking her through friendship troubles, encouraging her through sports and countless sleepless nights and wondering if I was doing this motherhood thing right.

Like all mothers I am constantly assessing my motherhood performance. ” I did that right.. Well done… ugh, epic fail… I am sure she hates me… I am the best” The thing is, this isn’t a performance and what she needs is me. She needs what I bring to the table as a unique mother. My idealistic dream of what type of mother I was supposed to be belongs in a movie.

I wished I had done some things differently: been more patient, laughed more, spent more time, listened more… but what I really wished I had done is trust myself more. Lily and my boys were born to me for a reason. We are here for each other. They have a purpose for me and I them. So, the best mom is the mom that I show up as Kelly, in all her glory… for better or for worse.

Lily is a thoughtful, smart, beautiful, hard-working, incredible girl. She has learned from me and her dad; however, she is her own person on her own path. I hope I have taught her to trust herself, learn from life, move forward, and find joy in life. I am so proud of her. Happy 16th Birthday sweet Lily!!

I almost quit

I miss everything about being a high school and college athlete. I miss the sport of volleyball. I miss being on a team and working our asses off for a common goal. I miss pushing myself farther each time I practiced or played. I wanted to be the best. I wanted to win. There are few things more satisfying than a great kill or dig. The adrenaline during a long rally and the excitement after winning the point is intoxicating, even now as I think about it. I loved everything about volleyball and would have played forever. Except for the time I almost quit in college.

The coach that recruited me left after my freshman year. I loved playing for her and it was one of the reasons I chose the college I attended. She was replaced by a man I thought was going to up our game and take us to the next level. However, it became clear after 1 season, that he was not as he presented himself. He was snide, manipulative, and disrespectful of women. He did not like me and it was obvious. He dismissed me when other coaches complimented me. At the time, I was never sure why. I certainly tried to impress him. However, eventually I gave up the hustle and, in hind-sight, I am sure he knew I was not fond of him.

I did not enjoy playing volleyball for him. My junior year I seriously considered quitting. I had written a letter and discussed the decision with my parents. But I never turned in the letter. I stayed for me, for my teammates and for the love of the game that I only had one more year to play competitively. If I had left the team, I would have regretted that choice the rest of my life. I put my big girl pants on and made the best of my senior year.

It wasn’t perfect. I was the team captain and had to juggle my real feelings for the coach with leading the team. I didn’t always keep my mouth shut about him to the team. I was a little rebellious towards him. I had to apologize sometimes. But I finished the best I could and I savored playing every game. It was my choice to react in a way that was the best for me and my team. I didn’t always choose well. Sometimes I was angry at him for entire practices. But it typically did not serve me well. And it broke my spirit when he didn’t give me the most valuable player as a senior, but I probably didn’t behave like the most valuable player…

I still do not have any warm feelings for him but in my age I have a little different perspective. I learned that not everyone will like me no matter how much I try. I learned that I have to manage relationships in spite of not liking someone. I learned to lead through adversity. I learned that I am in charge of how I react. I learned that when I let my feelings for him get in the way, I played terrible. I learned that I needed to stop playing for his approval and play because it felt good to do my best. I realized that I didn’t know what was going on with him. Actually, I never considered it back then. We never know what someone else is dealing with.

Have I really learned all of these lessons?? Some days:) Learning is not the same as mastering. Some days, I am re-learning them all over. I wish I could re-learn them playing ball. But maybe, who knows, maybe one day I will be on the other side and master some of those lessons through coaching ball.

That time in my life ….

I haven’t written in 5 months, since my first post… why? not inspired? scared? busy? all of the above….I have at least a dozen pieces of paper with notes on them with topic ideas I but I didn’t follow through with any of them. I decided to start with the most vulnerable in time of my life.

In 2008 I opened a practice with 2 other women that provided therapy services for children with special needs. It was amazing and one of the best things I have ever accomplished. And the next best thing I did was move and sell it in 2014. In the end, I was the most unhappy I had ever been.

I was 34 years old with 2 kids when we opened. I was an establish PT in the Atlanta area and had always dreamed of having my own business. I thought it would happen later in life; however, I met 2 great women and we collaborated on a mission to open this clinic. It was exciting.

We were highly successful. We built a practice quickly and provided services under a philosophy that I supported. My part of the business grew rapidly and I eventually hired 3-4 physical therapist and partnered with specialists that provided important skills. My list could go on about the unique services we provided.

I had accomplished many of the goals that I had set for myself in life: career, marriage, children, life in general…. but I wasn’t making any money and I wasn’t happy. I was making just enough to live on by the grace of God and struggling to do that. I was anxious, scared, angry, and depressed. I was failing my family miserably. I felt less than my partners.

I was always worried that I would bankrupt my family and disappoint everyone I loved. The self talk was awful: you should have never thought you could manage a business, how stupid of you to think this could work, your model sucks, you are a terrible book keeper…. It was a daily pity party for at least a year. I separated myself from my partners, I was a short tempered mother, an absent wife, and a stressed out boss. I was filled with shame. It spilled over into everything.

And I eventually trusted only 1-2 people with what I considered to be my dirty secret about how broke my company was and what a failure I was. My husband was not one of them, nor were my business partners. I tried to fix it alone and handled all the struggle alone. I was miserable and I continued to lose money.

However, the 2 people that I trusted, helped save me. And it became a time in my life that is the most valuable lesson of my life. Those 2 people, over the course of 1 year, helped me learn that failure is important and not bad. And that I was not an awful person. That I had a voice and to truly examine what I really wanted.

I didn’t want the company anymore. That was hard for me to swallow, but also a relief. I learned that I wasn’t as financially stupid as I thought. I had circumstances that I wasn’t attending to because I was blinded by shame. I also, wanted a different set-up. But in living this business, I learned many skills that prepared me for my next adventure. I sold my company and learned more about myself after the sale than before. I was able to learn because by the time I sold the company I had spent a year laying important ground work about how I wanted to show up in life. I will post about that another day.

This post is about how achieving goals doesn’t always look like the success you imagined. And about how handling everything alone because of embarrassment , shame and self-loathing is detrimental. And at the same time, how perceived failure can be the greatest lesson of life. Selling the company gave me time to reflect on things I had missed and gave myself permission to fail and learn. And it gave me clarity about who I want to be.

Would I own the same business again.. no way in hell. Do I regret doing it? absolutely not. I am smarter, stronger, and happier since I experienced shame and learned how to manage it.

Will this happen again in my life.? The odds are high, but I know the signs and have tools to manage it. And I know the exhilaration on the other side is amazing. I achieved more goals since the sale and moving. I make the salary I dreamed of and I live on the beach… nice!

Look for a post in the near future about how the move and changing from shame to pure joy!

It’s All in a Name

Mrs. Coach….. I thought about the name for my blog for a long time. Years, people! I finally made a decision and chose this because it describes my life. I am a head football coach’s wife; I have been a volleyball coach; I coach little ones and parents everyday in my job as a pediatric physical therapist; and, honestly, motherhood is coaching. Recently, the father of a new patient of mine said that he didn’t know what to call me. He knew my husband was the coach of one of the local football teams and I guess he didn’t want to call me Mrs. Kelly like all of the kids that I work with do. “I am calling you Mrs. Coach! Is that OK?” It sure was and it inspired the name for my blog.

I am a mom of 3 great kids (ages 15,12,7). I am the wife of a successful high school football coach and have been married for 20 years. I am a pediatric physical therapist and have been practicing for 18 years. I work with children of all ages with developmental challenges and their families. I played volleyball in college and have coached for brief intervals. My intent is to share what I know about being “Mrs. Coach” in my life. Coaching is bringing out the best in people. I have had many coaches bring out the best in me and I have been told that I have a gift for it. We are all called to use our gifts.

I have sat with the calling for a while to share my voice in some capacity. Actually, I “sat on it” and I recently got up. We all have something that we want to do in our lives and we all have reasons that keep us from moving forward. But I think the common thread in finally moving forward is courage. Because courage gets us beyond fear, beyond complacency, beyond doubt, beyond the current moment. I have a friend from PT school that recently began documenting her journey with her son. She tells the story of such courage. Check out “The Unlikely Guru” on Facebook. She is part of the reason I finally started this blog. Thank you Keely! As I told her after I read her first post, we never know who we will impact as we tell our story and in the most unexpected ways.

So I have started a journey as Mrs-Coach and I am excited where it will lead. Now.. I am going to find this blog and see what it looks like because I have no idea what I am doing at this moment!